This week i had a conversation with a patient, a math tutor, about the difficulty she was having measuring up to her impossibly difficult personal standard. Why “impossibly” difficult? Because I’m sure that she was doing the best she could. And to ask more of herself, at least right now, was impossible.

She was trying to walk 3 miles every other day, but was barely able to walk 2 miles twice a week. She felt like a failure. But then she met me.

Wow! I said. Two miles twice a week?! That’s fantastic! And you weren’t walking at all before the pandemic?! Amazing — good for you!!

A year and a half ago, before the pandemic and lockdown and a few extra pounds, she hadn’t been walking much at all. Now she was walking 4 miles a week. And all she could think about was the missing 8 or so miles. We can be so hard on ourselves. So unfair. The stress caused by this kind of thinking channels your precious, limited emotional energy into negative self-talk, which sucks up energy you might have spent relaxing, or even walking!

So we talked about being kind to yourself, giving yourself a break, giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. I raised the issue of respecting yourself at least as much as you might respect a struggling friend. Or a little one doing their honest best. Before the end of our appointment, she had come up with a plan for those other days, to consist of a 10-minute walk (5 minutes if necessary) on just two of the remaining available days. I did the math, which made her laugh, and showed her that 15 more minutes of walking each week would generate an additional hour or so of walking each month.

Bottom line? It would be great if she figures out how to walk more. But it will be even better if she figures out how to be kinder to herself. Let yourself off the hook for being human. The world will keep turning. Promise.