Today is a very special day for our family. Today our nephew will marry his beloved, and she happens to be the daughter of old friends of ours. His parents are thrilled, and hers the same. For us, this remarkable and happy coincidence is nothing short of miraculous. So I share this post in honor of the marriage of our nephew, our new niece, and the new home they will create together. Today I want to share — from a medical standpoint — just a few of a great many things I have learned about friends, family, and the magic effects of kindness, love, and support.

Years ago, as you may know, I cared for adult patients in a local internal medicine practice. As it happened, patients often arrived with their children (or grandchildren) in tow, fresh from a prior appointment with their pediatrician, whose office was located just across the hall. 

On many occasions, my patients reported frustration at having just felt admonished about their children’s weight. Despite that the results were unchanged, the advice remained essentially the same. I saw how discouraged my patients felt. As I heard more than once, if they knew how to fix this problem, they already would have. These were bright-faced, fresh-scrubbed, engaging, adorable kids, and their families were committed to protecting their health and wellness. So something was missing. 

The subject soon turned to my adult patients, who could often stand to make a few changes themselves. Blood pressures, waistbands, elevated blood sugars. Everything was going up. And though I was beginning to understand how to help my patients, it never occurred to me that there was a bigger picture.

Then one day, unrelated, I heard a lecture comparing strategies for management of patients with early memory challenges. The results, unsurprisingly, showed little or no success when patients with mild dementia were taught strategies for improved self-care, but significant improvements when patients were joined by a caregiver. If a patient struggles to remember important details about their toothpaste or socks, reviewing those details is unlikely to help. But if someone responsible for helping them joins the conversation, it’s a new ballgame. Before I had left that lecture, I was making a connection between those elder study participants and my patients’ children. The wheels had begun to turn. 

The next time a frustrated patient arrived with a child or two, we reviewed the basics. Stop trying to diet, I said. Don’t think about your weight. Focus on eating more vegetables and fruit. Add in more nutritious fats like avocados, scrambled eggs, olives, almonds, peanuts, anchovies. Forget orange juice; switch to orange slices, or berries, or apples, which are particularly delicious when eaten with peanut butter. Share these changes with your entire family. Don’t try to eat differently than everyone else. Whoever cooks can make the same meal for everyone. 

I shared more thoughts. Stop buying more breakfast cereals. The word “cereal” is a synonym for “grain,” like millet, oatmeal or bulgur. Grains are nourishing food. Not so Lucky Frost-o’s, Cap’n Sugar, Raisin’ Weight, Sweetest Bran, or LIKE cereal. Those may be fun, but they are not food and they do not nourish you. Don’t throw out what you already have, but don’t replace it when it runs out. We also discussed the possibility of going for a short walk, getting into bed at bedtime, turning off the lights.

Patients returned pleased to share their improvements. But the big surprise was that the children were experiencing the same benefits. Pediatricians saw weight curves bending toward normal. Little bellies were shrinking. Families felt less hassled, more empowered. 

Human beings are social creatures. We are meant to operate in communities, however defined. Humans can survive on our own. We can live on our own. But we thrive in community. 

Successful lifestyle changes engage not only the designated patient, but also the individual(s) with primary responsibility for making the family’s lifestyle decisions. Who purchases the food? Who prepares the meals? Who schedules trips to play soccer, to swim, or hike? Who makes the dental appointments? Who chooses where the rugs and lights go? Who decides when bedtime starts, and who sleeps where? When the patient is a child or cared-for elder, this individual will always play an integral role in the process. 

Whether newlyweds or newborns, children or elders, supporting each other will help to bring out the best in all of us. A blessing on your heads, through all the years ahead.